2011 Jan 25
My elder brother had finally lost his fight… due to a stroke.
He was diagnosed with renal failure almost 11 years ago. Ever since then, it was dialysis 3 times a week, 4hrs each session. A good dialysis session would leave him at the very least just tired, but fever, hypertension, giddiness, infection, is part and parcel of a renal patient’s life. When an infection sets in, it will be painful hospital stays as vials of blood samples need to be taken for tests and the fever, sometimes … seems endless. He hated to be poked and would INSIST on Nurses who frequently take blood do the job on him. Yes, he knew his medical condition inside out and was not an easy patient nor the kindest to Registrars who didn’t know their stuff before talking to him. He chided them for not reading his case notes before asking him “stupid” questions. Because of his frequent medical appointments, he shared with us that we MUST ask the RIGHT QUESTIONS to get the right answers. And thus, the patient MUST be knowledgeable about their condition.
Each time he’s admitted into the hospital, he’ll tell us no need to visit him as we are all busy with our own lives and family. But we all try to be there for him. This time round, it was going to be the final time we would see him in the hospital. There’ll be no more hospital visits for him.
He had a stroke on 24 Jan morning and the prognosis was grave. The Neurosurgeons, from CGH, Institute of Neurosurgeon (?) and TTSH, did not recommend surgery. It was so tough to make a decision of DNR (Do Not Resusitate), as given his condition, any assistance given would only serve to prolong his suffering. But after consultations with family members, his wife & I had to consent to DNR. It was heartbreaking, to deliver that decision to the doctor. Up till today, although I know it was the best decision for him, I still question myself…
He was able to respond with hand squeeze, when I asked him questions on 24 Jan. He had big reactions when he heard my voice in the A&E. My entire family stayed by his bedside during the day and he had many friends & colleagues visiting him. When the Nurses asked him to cough, so that they could clear his lungs, he did his best. He could hear and was responding.
I knew he was fighting to keep alive. Everyone of us were telling him it’s ok to let go. I know my fighter Kor, he’d wanted to know why wasn’t anything being done? etc. So, on Tuesday afternoon, I had to steal myself to quietly let him know that we were doing all we could for him, that I’ve asked the doctors to make him as comfortable as possible. And when he’s ready, we are ready, to let go. There are 4 of us siblings – my Kor was most willing to listen to what I had to say. It broke me to pieces to have to tell him that “we were doing all we could” but I owed it to him as I wanted him to let go in peace.
My Kor is a private person and a person of pride. It wasn’t easy to know him, and I must say I don’t know him thoroughly through. In fact, he’s quite a typical chinese tok-tok man. All pride, cannot show weakness. A year ago, I learnt of his warped understanding of the meaning of love & family. According to him, being a family means never a need to say thank you. I was totally thrown off. In my family, ”I love You” was never uttered amongst siblings nor family members. All I know is that I loved him much and I had the privilege of saying that to my Kor, the privilege of stroking his cheek when he was ill in the last year, plant a kiss on his forehead, give him hugs… all that in the last year. And in return, he said “Thank you and I love you too” in a sms which to me a precious treasure and I keep many copies of it 
I thank God for the last year. I thank God for releasing my Kor from his bondage of illness and his situation. I thank God for allowing me an opportunity to thank my Kor for being the brother that he was. Not all a bed of roses, but well, I remember and will always recall the better times together, climbing trees, he being chased by me with a feather duster or the broom… until he tripped and chipped his front tooth (now to think of it, he never ever was bitter with me), those times when the electricity tripped during thunderstorms and burglers were just outside prying on the windows, how we caught guppies from the longkangs, when we pulled up a patch of grass in the garden only to reveal baby moles, when I tagged along on his performances during Art Fest… and many more.
It was so difficult, when the moment he took his last breath…it was finality. I was heartbroken, but I had to keep strong for my parent & other members of the family.
Kor -I still miss you so much.. Only time will heal and I pray to God for strength to move on. Thank you for being my Kor. I’m so glad I told you in person before you left. Rest in peace my beloved Kor.
